You're pretending
moments of happiness change something.
You're posing for pictures,
a smile on your face.
The beach is real, and the surf,
but we can't know for sure
if it's loving us back,
if this will save us,
this one day,
with salt crusting our hair,
stripping our studied dignities.
Your laughter
doesn't echo here.
Are you writing this down?
Wouldn't this make
a good story?
--when the day has dried, when
you're alone again,
hoping there was a reason,
hoping
you did well--
for easystreet prompts #660.
3WW, The Final Chapter (and Week No. 538)
6 years ago
This flows quite nicely. I like the interjection:
ReplyDeleteAre you writing this down?
Wouldn't this make
a good story?
but on the whole I think it's a little long, just a little. My main issue though is the relationship between the women. I wonder if identifying them would add or take away from the piece?
well, it would probably add to the length, wouldn't it? ;)
ReplyDeletebut yeah, i'm sure there's more that could be explored about the women, whether i was to link the poem more to the prompt-photo, or make it stand alone. I'd tend towards the latter, if I was to rewrite it.
Thanks for the feedback, as always!